For a brief moment, let’s go back to the days when Hillary Clinton was not the Democratic nominee, when 33,000 emails hadn’t disappeared into thin air, when the 4 lives in Benghazi weren’t needlessly sacrificed, and before coughing fits made headlines; when Donald Trump was nothing more than a billionaire businessman with a sweet hairdo, before he was labeled as a racist and a sexist, and when he was only on his second wife; when mansplaining didn’t exist, when protests consisted of marches rather than destruction and looting of cities. Remember those days? Though divided, we almost all agree on one thing: no one really likes either of these two goons, and yet we are forced to choose between them. But what if we didn’t have to? Theoretically, what if our presidential candidate could be chosen from any fictional or real character? Here’s a short list of some alternative candidates.
Starting off with a strongly anti-government fictional character and supporter of a full government shut down, Ron Swanson, from Parks and Recreation, is an obvious choice. Why? First, the mustache – a true sight to behold. Second, as a Libertarian, Swanson is firm in his convictions that the government does little else but waste tax payer dollars, and he’s right. We’re trillions of dollars in debt, people! How about a little restraint, eh?
“I don’t believe in government,” he said. “I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer’s dollars.”
I’m not saying he’s right, but I’m also not saying he’s wrong.
The guy from the movie Limitless. Harnessed with the ability to retain and recall an essentially limitless amount of prowess and know-how (hence the name of the film), this guy could prove to be an excellent candidate for president. Good luck to the opposing candidate who dared to go toe-to-toe with this man. Limitless man (does anybody actually know his name?) would bring a set of unbiased and well-balanced policies to the American public, and would be more than capable of supporting and defending his convictions by via his remarkably high intellect (God forbid he lose his bottle of smart pills). The days of Hillary Clinton’s “I don’t remember” would be ancient history.
Harriet Tubman, probably the gutsiest, bravest, tough-as-nails woman in recent American history. For the unaware, Harriet Tubman lived during the American Civil War era, and she was single-handedly responsible for saving the lives of many, many slaves by helping them escape from their bondage. In a time when racism surpassed anything we, as 21st century Americans, have ever seen, Tubman would be well-prepared to address the racial tension we witness on a frequent basis. Furthermore, her “screw it” mentality might serve very well in our dealings with ISIS and radical Islam. I’m pretty certain she would have a zero tolerance policy for terrorism. We could use more of that nowadays, don’t you agree? If she’s boss enough to chase off Andrew Jackson from the twenty dollar bill, she could easily win the White House.
William Wallace. Few, if any, have a more convicting story than William Wallace. Yes, his life had a tragic ending, but this time, it would be different. After concluding one of his many campaign speeches with the infamous words “they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!” Wallace would make short work of his opponents in the primaries. On the national stage, Wallace would look his counterpart in the eye and say,
“There’s a difference between us. You think the people of this country exist to provide you with position. I think your position exists to provide those people with freedom. And I go to make sure that they have it.”
And of course, we all know he would deal decisively and swiftly with our enemies abroad. Broad swords and half-blue faces tend to have such an effect.
Lastly, Kenneth Bone. We all love Ken Bone, even for nothing more than his name. From undecided voter to sensational internet star in a matter of minutes, Ken Bone easily cracks the top 5. He carries a presence that few in the political realm possess. Bone is clearly not swayed by the conventional pressures that accompany fame and status. He unabashedly sports his red sweater and simpleton mustache without hesitation. I’m convinced red sweaters will make a comeback shortly. Understated, yet not easily manipulated by the great political forces of today, Ken Bone has what it takes to restore America to greatness (a.k.a., make America great again, but Donald Trump claimed that slogan already). We know nothing about Ken Bone, but maybe that’s okay. The media has slimed each and every candidate beyond the point of recognition. Let Ken Bone work his magic without the detriment of our “news” networks, and behold the greatness he brings. #KennethBoneForPOTUS
Interested in another blogger’s opinion? Check out my good friend, Chris Vivero’s, blog post!
Honorable mentions: Dwight K. Schrute, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Edmond Barakat